I was on 66 WB in Arlington trying to beat HOV and make a doc appt. on time. Usually, left lane moves steady while right clogs with merges. However, this was not the case. Guy in front of me who was texting, was driving well under the speed limit. SO, for you who like the Bud Light real men of genius ads, I give you my own version. The words in () would be sung by the former lead singer from Survivor:)
Ramblings Presents Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)
Today…we salute you…Mr. I’m Going To Text And Drive Under The Speed Limit Man
(Mr. I’m Going To Text And Drive Under The Speed Limit Man)
You proudly text and pay no attention to the fact you are driving ten miles under the posted speed limit in the left lane.
(Dude, I own the left lane)
You understand the urgency of texting your wife and letting her know you just picked up the toilet paper and tampons.
(I wish my wife would pick up her own unmentionable feminine hygiene products)
You prove to us again and again you can multi task in this unsure world of connectivity.
(I can drive with my knees)
And should you veer off of the road, chances are whatever you hit didn’t need to be there anyhow.
(I just took out a woodchuck)
So go ahead…swerve boldy into the other lane, Oh Rage of the Road. Some may give you the finger, you just keep using yours to type those LOLs.
This one is for you …
(Mr. I’m Going To Text And Drive Under The Speed Limit Man)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Ballad of Black Friday from a virgin shopper...
I thought I was going to get off easy...roll out of bed, click my mouse..bam. It would be mine! I crept online in the dark. The TV was there and on sale BUT they had delivery charges and I wouldn't get it til next week and I would have to coordinate delivery. This just wouldn't do. So squinting at my watch, I sucked it up, got in the car, and went there...WalMart...Black Friday...4:30am....first time. Be Afraid.
The lines were past BJs. I surveyed the carnage as I walked forward. An abandoned sleeping bag lay crumpled on the sidewalk. A child's mitten was trampled in the gutter..Oh the humanity!I finally wrangled a cart and made my way in. It was of another world. One woman had a 2 way radio with her posse and was screaming that they weren't looking in the right place. I think I recognized the phrase, "You are dead to me!" in Korean. I had to ditch my cart in Children's Clothing as the crowd in electronics was too thick.
Many were being tempted by the "shiny" things they had placed in the path...distractions..dvds here...iPod accessories there. I would not deviate from my mission. I WILL NOT LEAVE MY WINGMAN..oh wait..wrong 80's movie reference.Though I looked for my prey, the elusive HD LCD TV on sale for 388 was nowhere to be found. Finally, I spotted one...already bagged, tagged, and strapped to the cart. It was a beauty! I had to know where she got it so I dove over another woman's cart and grabbed her by the sleeve...WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT IT BACK THERE? Electronics is THAT WAY!?! Oh, but I was a novice. They stacked towers of things ...in other departments. After I apologized for ripping her coat, I headed in the other direction.
It was worse than any Australian rules football game. One woman cut my path off as I was making my way through Hannah Montana. I checked the bitch as I went by. She'll live. When I finally thought I was going to fail...go down in a sea of High School Musical t-shirts and leggings...I made peace with myself. Blue??? Is that you, Blue??? Just as I was going down in faux fur trimmed jackets, I spotted it...the tower of white boxes!
I dodged the rack of sleepers, dove under the two women fighting over an Elmo nightgown, and slid into the aisle. Touchdown! I put my hands on the box. I was elated! Overjoyed! It was mine all mine! I had a cocky smile on my face until I realized I had ditched my cart ten minutes ago. Shit. They say you know when you hit rockbottom. The woman turned briefly to look at a pair of connected mittens, leaving her empty cart exposed, vunerable. I'm not proud of what I did and it is here I confess my sin of cartjacking. I hope it's a dry heat down in Hell.
So here I sit sleep deprived, bruised and with a dislocated shoulder. I have my new TV, my prize, my trophy. Now how to hook it up....my Precious....
The lines were past BJs. I surveyed the carnage as I walked forward. An abandoned sleeping bag lay crumpled on the sidewalk. A child's mitten was trampled in the gutter..Oh the humanity!I finally wrangled a cart and made my way in. It was of another world. One woman had a 2 way radio with her posse and was screaming that they weren't looking in the right place. I think I recognized the phrase, "You are dead to me!" in Korean. I had to ditch my cart in Children's Clothing as the crowd in electronics was too thick.
Many were being tempted by the "shiny" things they had placed in the path...distractions..dvds here...iPod accessories there. I would not deviate from my mission. I WILL NOT LEAVE MY WINGMAN..oh wait..wrong 80's movie reference.Though I looked for my prey, the elusive HD LCD TV on sale for 388 was nowhere to be found. Finally, I spotted one...already bagged, tagged, and strapped to the cart. It was a beauty! I had to know where she got it so I dove over another woman's cart and grabbed her by the sleeve...WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT IT BACK THERE? Electronics is THAT WAY!?! Oh, but I was a novice. They stacked towers of things ...in other departments. After I apologized for ripping her coat, I headed in the other direction.
It was worse than any Australian rules football game. One woman cut my path off as I was making my way through Hannah Montana. I checked the bitch as I went by. She'll live. When I finally thought I was going to fail...go down in a sea of High School Musical t-shirts and leggings...I made peace with myself. Blue??? Is that you, Blue??? Just as I was going down in faux fur trimmed jackets, I spotted it...the tower of white boxes!
I dodged the rack of sleepers, dove under the two women fighting over an Elmo nightgown, and slid into the aisle. Touchdown! I put my hands on the box. I was elated! Overjoyed! It was mine all mine! I had a cocky smile on my face until I realized I had ditched my cart ten minutes ago. Shit. They say you know when you hit rockbottom. The woman turned briefly to look at a pair of connected mittens, leaving her empty cart exposed, vunerable. I'm not proud of what I did and it is here I confess my sin of cartjacking. I hope it's a dry heat down in Hell.
So here I sit sleep deprived, bruised and with a dislocated shoulder. I have my new TV, my prize, my trophy. Now how to hook it up....my Precious....
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